This one is pretty big! The truth is I’m in a huge breakup right now. Huge. It might not be the juicy ‘breakup’ you expected to read about here, but it has been emotionally draining and all-consuming, nevertheless. Because, you see, I am breaking up with myself. Many of you reading this know I have experienced a huge shift in my life this year. This has been a beautiful blossoming of the seeds of truth planted at a very young age. Enrolling in my 1st transformational life coaching course, and working with my own personal coaches roughly around 2011 was the pivotal point in my journey to the truth of it all. The coaching work was the catalyst that led me to the big reveal of who I really am and what the hell I am here for.
Now, I certainly don’t have it all figured out by any stretch of the imagination but what I do have is a connection to my core, my essence and my truth; a knowing of what makes me feel alive; and a mission that I can stand behind. It hasn’t been all unicorns and rainbows either though. Coming head on with my own demons, looking them straight in the eye is painful shit! BUT I do know- behind every break down is a big-time breakthrough.
My journey from self-consciousness to self-confidence unfolds. 
I’ve been grasping on to my identity for years now, and though I’ve managed to exist, I was slowly dying inside. Not really that fun and certainly not healthy- talk about creating premature wrinkles! The work that once lit me up has far expired. I’ve felt this deeply for years now, but have been too insecure, too self- conscious and…too afraid of really getting what I want???
For starters I finally am breaking up with my fitness-girl identity. Why? Because it simply doesn’t light me up anymore. It truly did for a time. But it.is.not.me.any longer. And I’ve known it for far too long. I have fooled myself that breaking out of my shell and following my heart was far too bold and complicated for me to accept. Talking myself into ‘sticking with it’ and ‘staying the course’ because I didn‘t want to ‘waste my education’ grew exhausting. Lies spoken by the voices of fear and insecurity exhaust you physically, mentally and emotionally. Lies take a lot of work to maintain. This is when I knew I was onto something good…
Part of my resistance to letting her go relates to my weight struggles as a child. Hanging on to that fitness-identity was my security, my insurance, to never ever be that fat little kid again! WOW. ‘Holy shit. is right,’ I thought to myself as I started emotionally picking up the pieces of my life. As I did, I noticed starting to feel small, insignificant, incapable of stepping into my power, that being my true self. If I were that concerned with my identity, and leaving her behind, how could I overcome that self-consciousness and BE me- confident, strong, proud, and loud. REAL. ME.
You can face a lot of hurt inside when you come up against yourself- that part of you that you haven’t wanted to see or feel or accept was even a part of you. But, it is. So what’s left? The decision to ‘come clean’ about the struggles I’ve faced around this. Because actually thinking about sharing these struggles causes more distress than actually doing it. Thinking about it is far more vulnerable and embarrassing than actually giving it away- Because this shit is that heavy on your heart!
Accessing the emotion, the truth within, is actually the most painful. When clarity glistens on the surface, doing the work is not all that hard. Cutting the cord, breaking it off, and letting it go is like the serum for that pain. Extroadinarily freeing! This is why I am sharing it with you. Now that I’ve come clean [out LOUD], this is my new insurance, my confirmation, that this is real, I can do it; I AM doing it!
I feel good. This feels good.
What it comes down to is I’m facing my fears. You can face your fears. Actually I think you should. I’m wearing the crazy pants and no longer will I hold myself back from it! My creativity has been eating away at me from the inside, and this, I am intuitively assured, is the root of digestive distress, dental disease, autoimmune disease, chronic fatigue, skin issues, and anxiety that have been partner to me for a large portion of my life. The real me has been needing and wanting to be let out. She wants to come out and play.
Is this you too? Is there a part of you that needs to be let out to play? That part of you is deeply connected to your Spirit, your soul. It is everything. I’m sharing this because if you are reading this, it is no accident. There are jewels yet to be uncovered- very precious jewels- for you too. I want that for you too. You deserve to shine in your own light. And when you let her come out to play you will feel the glisten like you never felt before. Others see it and feel it. I hope you will find inspiration in the uncovering of my true story and if you do, I hope you will share this with someone you love.